SOME OFFICE ICE-BREAKERS
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
- “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
- “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
- “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
- “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
- “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
- “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”
- “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
- “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
- “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
- When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
- When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
- When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
- When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
- When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
- When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
- When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
- When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
- When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
- When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING
- Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
- Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
- During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
- Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
- Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
- Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
- Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
- When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
- Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
- Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
Source: COMEDY ZONE